RenovationGirl

Productivity Can Be Painful

I hesitated using the above as the title of my post...earlier today, as I was in full productive swing, I was talking with Black Belt Mama as I perched on an old wooden ladder attempting to clean the 10 foot walls in the upstairs bathroom.  We decided that it was probably not a good idea for me to be talking, cleaning, and climbing, so we hung up.  So, BBM, I did NOT fall off the ladder...

But being productive can be painful.  Case in point, right now, my lower back in throbbing from stretching to reach the highest point of the walls as I washed them and as I contorted myself to clean in between the radiator coils.  Oh yes, I am cleaning like my mother cleans and as she said on the phone to me a little while ago, now I know why she goes to bed so early!  I'm not sure what has gotten into me, but I hope it continues.

This weekend also proved productive as once again, Builder Boy has entertained himself while I cleaned upstairs.  He's actually requesting that "we" clean upstairs.  I think it's the novelty of being in a room we don't use often.  He also likes to bring one of the Deconstructors with us and then "play" with them (which  means he chases them, they freak out, and then scream bloody murder at the door to be let out of the room...).  Regardless of why, I am content to get some things done.  So, I managed to clean out a closet, get rid of two big bags of clothes and shoes, and organize a bit. 

During this time of cleaning out, I came across a diaper bag that I used towards the end of Builder Boy's babyhood.  Had this been early October, I would have been deeply saddened by this.  I had decided then that it was time to move on from trying to have another baby.  I was thinking that after the new year, I would begin cleaning out baby toys and baby clothes.  Why keep them if this was never meant to happen again?  And then along comes October 19th and I thought, "Wow, how exciting!  I get to use this stuff again."  I looked at the boxes of toys and clothes and longed for the time when I could wash them all and put them out.  Fast forward just a few days to October 23rd...What do I do now?  Do I start giving this stuff away?  Keep it a bit more?  Hope has been restored, but it's not without the pain of it all.  So while the sadness is different, it also feels a bit more frustrating.  I WAS ready to move on.  I had begun moving in a forward motion instead of walking in one place for so long.  And then something came along that hit the rewind.

So, today I sit here with a throbbing back, sore neck and an aching heart.  I'm feeling so good about the progress I am making with my house...I just wish I could feel the same way with my home. 

See, if I had just continued on my lazy, poor housekeeping ways, I wouldn't be feeling this way. Yet another reason why cleaning is a bad, bad thing! ;)

Cycle Day Huh?

This being my first miscarriage and all, I'm just not sure of what is going on with my body.  Is the day you miscarry the first day of your next cycle?  Or does this not count as a true cycle since your body needs to regroup after the miscarriage?  I joked to a friend of mine that every time I visit the bathroom, I get a new surprise.  While I joked about it, it's not very funny.

So for those of you who have had the misfortune and sorrow of going through a miscarriage, enlighten me...do I count the day of the miscarriage at cycle day 1...or is this not possible.  I just want to have a general idea of when my period may make her entrance.  A big fear I have with teaching is getting my period in the middle of class and not realizing it.  It's like that dream of giving a presentation in your underwear concept...just with blood and teenagers.  (Can you imagine what searches will land people here with that phrase?  Yikes!)  So help me...if the miscarriage happened on October 23rd, and today is November 15 that would put me at cycle day 24.  I am horribly crabby and irritable with light spotting and sore breasts-all normal signs that my period is on its way.  Minus the lovely hormone headache I get a day or two before. 

Or is this all moot, attempting to figure this out?  Anyone?

Productive

Productive is not a word that I am usually able to use in reference to myself.  Procrastinator?  Yes.  Productive?  Um, no.  But this weekend, a miraculous event happened...Builder Boy actually let me get a few things done and he wasn't even watching television while I did them!  Go ahead and take a minute to pull your jaw off the floor...................got it?  Okay, moving on. 

In our old house, all 800 square feet of it, we had a junk drawer.  Every so often (okay, maybe once...), I would clean it out and organize it.  Slowly it would gather junk until it needed to be cleaned again.  Moving to this house, I swore it wouldn't happen.  Well, I still have a junk drawer in my kitchen, but we have an even worse problem...instead of throwing our junk in drawers, we throw them in our spare bedrooms.  There are two of them.  (The irony...we have more space than any of our friends and can't fill them with children...)  Every time we have a party, we "clean" by throwing all our homeless crap into one of the two rooms.  Same goes for every stamping project I do...I grab the things I need, use them, then throw them haphazardly into one of the rooms.  It's scary.  (I took a picture of the before shot, but cannot locate it amongst the thousands of pictures I take...)

On Saturday and Sunday, for over three hours, Builder Boy sat in the one spare room with me playing, listening to made up stories (that were very pathetic by  me), chasing one of the Deconstructors, etc. while I managed to organize almost 10 boxes of stamping items and get rid of 5 bags of garbage, too.  For someone who struggles who loves the concept of a clean, organized house but struggles with actually completing organization projects, this weekend was a wonder! 

Behold, the product of my labor...Aaaaaahhhhh!!! (insert angelic music here...)

Sweet Gesture...Negated

On Friday night, we decided to take Builder Boy to see the new Madagascar movie.  He loves the whole experience of movies...the dark theater, the popcorn, the chance to drink pink lemonade, and the excitement of the big screen.  I love watching him watch the movie...how his eyes light up or how he chuckles at a cartooned joke.  So off we went.  It wasn't too bad as far as kids' movies go.  Builder Boy certainly enjoyed it, telling us at the end of the movie his favorite parts.

We set off to do an errand before going home for dinner.  I went to one store while Remodel Man took Builder Boy to another store so that I could have some piece while making decisions.  As I walked out of the store, purchases in hand, Builder Boy came running towards me with a small bag in his hand.  He was screaming, "We bought a gift for you, Mama!"  I put my hands over my eyes thinking they had done some Christmas shopping (Builder Boy is not so good with keeping Xmas secrets!), but he wanted me to open it right there.  I asked what it was for...he hugged my necks and said, "It's a thank you for taking me to see that movie!"  How sweet is that?????  He didn't ask to see the movie, I just took him.  I love when he can show true gratitude.

Then he looked at me squarely in the eyes and said, "Okay, I gave you a gift, now it's time for you to give me a gift.  Should we go right now?"

Sigh...

(and no, we did not go get him a "gift" right then...)

Well Read?

On Monday, while being sick as a dog with very little voice, I had to suffer through a 13 hour day.  Teaching in the morning and then conducting parent-teacher conferences all afternoon and evening  was a killer on the voice.  I bumped into a parent of a former student who had asked me last year to compile a list of books that her child should have read/be reading.  This family is exceptionally intelligent and they work very hard constantly to challenge themselves on all issues.  I never did compile that list for her.  It's hard to say what "should" be read.  I am a very traditional student of literature-I believe in the literary canon.  I believe that Shakespeare should be taught.  I believe that kids should read some Dickens.  I believe that children should Austen, and the Brontes, and Hardy.  I am a lover of British literature and early American literature (except Hawthorne...blech!).  I appreciate some amazing contemporary pieces that are out there (anything by Ian McEwan), but if I want to curl up and lose myself in a book, it's to the classic pieces I go.  But I know there is more to literature than my classic choices.  And so I didn't feel that I could adequately provide this family with a definitive "list." 

I was thinking this while waiting for parents to conference with me.  I started obsessing about all the books I haven't read.  I looked up the Top 100 Novels of All Time and was thoroughly disgusted with myself...of the 100 books listed, I was under 20.  I have a Masters in Literature...how pathetic is that?!  I vowed that I would read the top 100.  Some of the books I own and just have never read, so I will start with those.  Currently, I am starting Native Son by Richard Wright, a book that used to be taught in our school before it was censored by parents (please, don't get me started).   But 80+ books is a bit overwhelming.  So, I found a new list over at Big Read.  I'm still at just about 30,but it's much more my speed and makes me feel a bit better about my literary background. 

So tell me, what are you reading?  What do you like to read?  Have any good book suggestions for me? 

Some Thoughts on Election Day

1.  I voted...did you?  I hope so.  I saw a sign on a business today that said, "Vote so you can complain."  I like that.  You certainly can't complain about our political system if you're not taking part in it. 

2. Nickelodeon has been doing a great job of getting the little ones involved in the election process.  They have presented the candidates in an interesting way for the kids and Builder Boy has noticed.  Of course, we're trying to do our part in teaching him the importance, even at such a young age, of civic responsibility.  If you ask him who he's voting for, he'll tell you John McCain.  If you ask him why, he'll tell you, "because of his speeches" and then proceed to tell you about McCain's dog and cat.  Hey, whatever it takes to get him involved.  He attended a rally with us the day after Palin was announced as McCain's running mate...while I can't say he enjoyed it, he did find it interesting and asked a lot of questions (this was after numerous meltdowns about how hot it was, how long it was taking, that he was sooo thirsty, etc.). 

3.  No matter who you are voting for, it is clear that this is an historical and monumental election.  No  matter which ticket wins, history is being made.  But I guess history is made with each election, we're just breaking more barriers this year.

4.  As I was driving home from voting today, I noticed that in the hour since I had driven by a McCain sign, someone had knocked it off its posts.  I stopped the car, got out and fixed it.  Someone driving by yelled, "Just throw it away" in a not very kind tone.  This infuriates me...I don't go around ripping down Obama signs or yelling things at Obama supporters.  THIS IS AMERICA.  We all have the right to vote for whomever we like.  Instead of being divisive, let's support the fact that we live in such a great country.  Let's applaud anyone who votes, who  makes their voice heard through voting.  

5.  I was very saddened to hear that Obama's grandmother had died.  Again, no matter which side you stand on, this is such sorrowful news for him and his family during a time that is already stressful.  To not have her there today as he awaits news of election results must add such a layer of sadness that I can't even imagine.  Watching him speak last night, you could see the sadness behind his eyes.  It must be so incredibly tough.

6.  Two weeks ago, in broad daylight, someone spray painted the side of a Victorian house in our neighborhood using red engine paint with Obama "stuff" and some profanities about McCain.  No one saw who did it (naturally), but this old woman now has a massive cleanup and expensive repaint of her house.  She had no political signs in her yard and keeps to herself.  Shame on the person who did this. 

7.  For the record, I hate the expression, "Get out the vote."   It just sounds weird to me.  Get out AND vote, okay.  Get out THE vote-it just sounds odd.  It's kind of like saying, "My bad."  Don't even get me started on that one...

8.  From the time that Builder Boy got up today until just a few minutes ago when he fell asleep, he did not shut up.  He was a motor mouth the entire day.  It was a bit like Chinese torture.  I'm not kidding, the whole darn day.  When I told him this, he laughed and just kept on going.  He did have lots of questions for me...questions that are difficult to explain to a four year old.  For example, last week, he asked me why God made bad people.  Hmmm...so I dive into how God made us all equal and he made us so we could make choices.  Some people make good choices while others make bad choices...the phone then rang.  THANK YOU, GOD, for ringing the phone for me because trying to explain free will to a kid was hard!!!  These were the types of questions I was getting today. 

9.  As I voted today and I looked at the names of all the candidates, I have to admit that I got a little teary...a black man for President and a woman for Vice President?  Wow!  Cool!  And more emotionally overwhelming than I thought it would be. 

How about that for a random thoughts post?  Tonight (or tomorrow if its too close to call) is an exciting time in our country.  I'm hoping that it will be viewed by all that way no matter what happens.  I am glad it is over.  The political calls will stop (they will stop, won't they???) and we can move on.  Happy Election Day, everyone.  We're making history!

A Long Two Weeks

I have a cold.  It's a nasty head cold, the annoying kind that keeps you up at night because you think you might stop breathing.  The throbbing throat that feels like you are swallowing glass.  The shivers.  The runny  nose.  Aaargh! So yesterday, all I wanted to do was stand in a hot, steamy shower, letting the moisture help to open up the nose.  Letting the hot water sooth the sore muscles in my neck and shoulders.  Sounds great, doesn't it?

Yea, that didn't happen.  Remodel Man took his long, hot shower only to come downstairs to ask me why there was no water in the kitchen.  WHAT??  Sure enough, drip, drip, drip from the faucet.  A water main break had happened somewhere in our town...more than 24 hours later we are still without water and no time frame to when we will have it back.  So that long, hot shower?  I didn't get one yesterday...I managed to make myself look somewhat presentable for Builder Boy's "fall program" at preschool, but there was no way I could do that today.

So, in all my sickness, I drove to my sister's house first thing this morning...you know it's early when the donut store is not even open.  I drove a half hour, in this freezing cold morning, with this annoying and exhausting head cold just to take a shower and get to work. 

So now I am wondering...when will life start to look up for us?  First Builder Boy is sick, then the miscarriage, then my head cold, and now no water.  (I won't mention that Builder Boy is coughing a lot...UGH!!) We're tired at the Renovators house...is it spring yet?

So Now What?

The RE just called and my beta is back down to 1.  This is good news, ahem, if there is any good news in this.  It means my body has, for once, done its job and took care of the pregnancy all by itself.  No D & C for me, thank the good Lord.  The nurse at the RE's office left me with this, "Call us with your next positive pregnancy test and we'll start monitoring those numbers."  So optimistic. So kind. 

But now what? 

How long do we wait to try again?  Do we try again?  Do I start the Clomid right away or wait?  What?  What do I do?  When we were actively seeking treatment, we always knew our next step.  Clomid didn't work, move onto IUI.  Four IUIs didn't work, move onto IVF.  Two IVFs didn't work, we're out of money, so we're done.  We did au natural for a couple of years, then we tried acupuncture.  I firmly believe that acupuncture is part of how we got to this place to begin with, but we're out of money on that (darn, it's expensive!!) so  now what?

Physically, the bleeding has mostly stopped.  Emotionally, I don't know.  Some people keep asking after me and it's kind.  Others asked once and haven't said anything since.  Both aspects upset me.  I try to keep it together (and succeed most of the time) when someone asks how I truly am.  Those who choose to forget or ignore it, I do the same, talking about their weekends, or the weather, or their jobs.  As if nothing happened.  But something did happen.  I know it was early, really, really early, and I know the pregnancy wasn't viable, and I know we barely knew we were pregnant, but still, it's a loss.  And it hurts. 

In the midst of miscarrying, I had to ready my house (which is no easy feat, let me tell you...we live like pigs here) for a Halloween party for Builder Boy and his friends.  It was hard.  I was tired and crampy and nauseated.  My mom had to come down to help out.  We did it and he had a great time and so did his friends.  And perhaps it was a great way to keep my mind off of things, but in reality, I just wanted to snuggle under a blanket and watch movies, or read, or sleep.  Instead, I was making bread sticks look like bones and setting up games and making treat bags. 

That's the hard part of secondary infertility-you can't wallow in sorrow.  You have someone who needs you, depends on you.  Don't get me wrong, going through this while watching his sweet little face play on the floor, or watch tv, or listen to a book  made it easier to get through.  That no matter what happens in the future, we have been blessed with this boy who makes up laugh and cry and often scream.  But as I sat there cramping and bleeding and shivering and sweating, I had to play, and read to him, and get him things.  It was hard.  But again, I have him, my miracle, and that beats all else.

So now what?  I guess we just wait it out.  Wait a cycle before we do anything to let my body heal.  Give a buffer between this experience and the experiences to come-failures or successes.  It feels a little like we're in limbo here. 

It Was Good While It Lasted

Not even sure how to begin this post...it will certainly be one of the toughest posts for me so far.  But here it goes:

It's been a long, emotionally exhausting week.  On Monday, I realized with some nagging sense that my period was late.  I had taken Clomid days 5-9, but besides those days, I hadn't been paying much attention to when my period was due.  So Monday, I counted and realized that I was four days late.  I am often a couple of days late, so I didn't think too much about it until I noticed that I did not have a single sign that I was getting my period.  No hormone headache.  No spotting for 3-4 days.  No horrid mood swing or depression.  So I did what you do...I peed on a stick.  I was nervous as I waited, but I didn't hold my breath.  I stopped buying pregnancy tests year ago, when they just kept coming back negative.  I would wait out the late days knowing that this was just a sick twist of fate.  The period would come...it always does. 

But it was positive.  There is was...a digital test that read "Pregnant". 

And in an instant I was struck with amazement and complete fear.  I know too much.  Any infertile reading this knows what I mean-we know too much.  We know the stats, we know our bodies, we know that hope is a nasty four letter word.  But I was happy, too, that my body could even get this far.  Plus, it was the first time in my life that I had peed on a stick to see a positive.  I had joined the club, so to speak. 

Remodel Man was speechless and terrified.  He instantly turned into Mr. Protector ordering me to take it easy.  He was great.  He took over Builder Boy responsibilities and some housekeeping so I could just take it easy. 

And I did.  And I felt like a Princess.  And I did what all hopeful people do-I planned in my head.  "Now we could move Builder Boy into his big boy room and decorate it just like he wanted.  I know it's a girl...I just know it...I will name her (fill in the blank). She will be due on June 27th, one of my best friend's birthdays.  I have always wanted to wear summer maternity clothes.  Oooo, now my friends can give me their girl clothes.  We will have to postpone vacation this year, but who cares...maybe Remodel Man can get that new job and I can quit mine, so we can go in the fall and go somewhere exotic.  Oh, to feel the baby move inside me again...what an amazing feeling.  And to have Builder Boy be a big brother...to have a sibling to play with and fight with and grow old with...what a blessing.  I will finally use that massage certificate to combat those nasty pregnancy headaches.  And Remodel Man will finally have the daughter to dance on his feet and walk down the aisle, something he so desperately wants."  The list goes on and on. 

On Tuesday, we sat down to dinner and Builder Boy, out of the blue, asked us if we were going to have a baby.  We had been very secretive and did not discuss it in his presence.  We were stunned.  When we asked him why he asked that, he said that his best friend had a new little baby.  Then said in all his childlike innocence and purity, "What do you think God will give us...a boy or a girl?"  It was beautiful and we shamefully took it as a "sign." 

On Wednesday, I came home from work with a mild headache of the hormone variety, but blamed it on pregnancy hormones.  As the day progressed, the headache became worse and worse and by the evening it was blinding pain. 

I knew why.  I am not stupid.  Hope only takes me so far. 

So in the middle of the night after battling heat flashes, cold sweat and a racing heart, the bleeding began.  In the course of three short days, we were elated and then crushed.  My blood test today came back with an HCG of only 7.  The RE said that this was never a viable pregnancy, that it could not have been prevented.  And on some level this does make me feel a bit better. 

But this sorrow runs deep.   

Where Have YOU Been?

I imagine those who read my blog (and give a hoot about it) will be saying the title of this post when they see I have finally written something here.  It's been awhile and darnit, I was doing pretty good there for awhile.  But, life got crazy, Builder Boy is challenging, my birthday was over the weekend and it sucked royally, and now Builder Boy has been super ill for the last 4 days. 

So, I am still around, but I haven't been commenting much on your blogs (sorry!) and I certainly haven't been writing on my own.  Once we get through this weekend and Builder Boy is on the mend, I am sure that I will have plenty to write about...or not.  But I'll be back. 

There now, you can sleep better tonight!